Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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