Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
