If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
