I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
