this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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