do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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