It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
