I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
