Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
