can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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