just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
