Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
