I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
