I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize