Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
