My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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