If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
