Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
