1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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