I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
