I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize