I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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