I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
