I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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