seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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