I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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