I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize