You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
