8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
