I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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