It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize