you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
