I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize