It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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