We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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