ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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