Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
