i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
