my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize