Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
