saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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