I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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