The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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