I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Four minutes until I can fart!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
