I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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