I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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