How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
