the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
