I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize