Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize