At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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