Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
