hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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