I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
