A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
