She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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