im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
