This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
