3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
