I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
