she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
