I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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