we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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