using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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