Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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