I wish I could punch you in the face.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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