Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
