and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
