can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
